Giving up?

i'm tired. And the moment i hit my lappy's typeset, i admit, there's a droplet of tear went down from my eye. I HATE THIS DAY. that's a sure thing. and i guess i'm gonna hate the next days to come, even the day of the celebration. i'm sad. DISAPPOINTED. he's not coming. it won't be 18 without him. im problematic. it wont be complete, and i can't do anything about it.

it's not that i want him to choose ME over his MOM. i'm not even forcing him to do so, nor forcing him to attend on the debut thing. aside from the FACT that the 18 roses are already settled and finalized [including him] and it would be SOOO difficult to change it this time, my other reason is that... it's my 18th. every girl knows that's something special. and i really wanted it to be very special, with the most special people of my life. obviously, he's one of them.

i have been keeping my fingers crossed that he'll be the tallest among the roses so that he'll be my last dance [since the order is by height! but my dad would definitely be my first. LOL]. I have been picturing things out on how fun it would be to have his actual presence in like 48+ hours [straight], how cool it would be to have him meet my high school friends, couldn't wait for the truth-or-dare genre at night [at my place] before going to sleep, ughh!!! yea, maybe i was just way too excited about it and here i am now, feeling so stupid and hating every hour that has passed ever since he told me the im-choosing-between-you-and-my-mom-here thing, and realized that it would be extremely IMPOSSIBLE for him to choose me [who is not even his girlfriend] over his own mom.

i really don't have any idea on what to do. i'm missing him so badly. i've been yearning for his tangible presence since i left dumaguete. but i don't want [not even a tweak] to decide for him. i wish i could just snap my fingers, heal his mom, and make him decide to be in bohol as early as possible. ahpff. but i can't. perhaps, all i can do is to WAIT, or maybe i can just stop hoping, and GIVE-UP.

may 26, 09 | 3:06 AM