Type My Mind

...you got me trippin', stumblin', flippin', fumblin'. . .

yea, soOo CLUMSY of me... cause I fell in love with a wrong guy.

WoOot! Okay, here's the thing. . .

Three months ago, we got acquainted. He's my friend's older brother. We have the same trippings at that time-- shots, joy rides, to name a few. We got really close, hearts bumped, and boom!. . . we fell in love. wooott! But that's not what this post is all about! duhh! i would never want to post something cheezy as our so called "love story" is.. yuck! [well honestly, i don't disgust him or what we had that much.] It's just, perhaps, the normal feeling or reaction to a girl who just got hurt and don't have any idea how long it will take her to be fully recovered from such pain from an A-hole bitch boy! LOL. ughh! I can't stop my fingers from typing what's on my mind right now! it's like my mood is totally set on blogging what's been boggling on my mind for weeks now! how i hate him for ditching my trust! for fooling around and make things easier for him, breaking up through text, deleting me on his facebook friends list, hating every message that i send to him. . . FUCK YOU FOR THAT!!!

ughh... then just this morning, i found out that you already have your KACY! damn! this is never happening!! i should be the first one who could find your replacement! I do have choices, though.. all i really have to do is to choose! but it seems like, i can't. It's not that i cant find someone who's better or more appropriate.. no.. It's that..i just dont want to replace you. SHIT. i friggin' hate myself for that!

now you know how fool i am with you [as if you'd care to read this] LOL.
at least at this very moment, I'm slowly..SLOWLY accepting everything. Thanks to Cezar who was always been there [though busy with poker sometimes. hehe]. But he's been trying to get 'that fuckin guy' out of my mind.

now what?? hmmm.. what could be a good ending with this post? fuck, i'm really typing what's on my mind.. SERIOUSLY. LITTERALLY. what the hell! woooott! maybe i should stop now. haiztt.. maybe this is because im missing a lot of people.. damak, aareen, maiza, cezar, and believe this or not, i'm actually missing the 'fuckin guy'! damn! shooot! ughh!

that's it. im gonna stop now. boo!


originally written last Oct. 23, 2009

Giving up?

i'm tired. And the moment i hit my lappy's typeset, i admit, there's a droplet of tear went down from my eye. I HATE THIS DAY. that's a sure thing. and i guess i'm gonna hate the next days to come, even the day of the celebration. i'm sad. DISAPPOINTED. he's not coming. it won't be 18 without him. im problematic. it wont be complete, and i can't do anything about it.

it's not that i want him to choose ME over his MOM. i'm not even forcing him to do so, nor forcing him to attend on the debut thing. aside from the FACT that the 18 roses are already settled and finalized [including him] and it would be SOOO difficult to change it this time, my other reason is that... it's my 18th. every girl knows that's something special. and i really wanted it to be very special, with the most special people of my life. obviously, he's one of them.

i have been keeping my fingers crossed that he'll be the tallest among the roses so that he'll be my last dance [since the order is by height! but my dad would definitely be my first. LOL]. I have been picturing things out on how fun it would be to have his actual presence in like 48+ hours [straight], how cool it would be to have him meet my high school friends, couldn't wait for the truth-or-dare genre at night [at my place] before going to sleep, ughh!!! yea, maybe i was just way too excited about it and here i am now, feeling so stupid and hating every hour that has passed ever since he told me the im-choosing-between-you-and-my-mom-here thing, and realized that it would be extremely IMPOSSIBLE for him to choose me [who is not even his girlfriend] over his own mom.

i really don't have any idea on what to do. i'm missing him so badly. i've been yearning for his tangible presence since i left dumaguete. but i don't want [not even a tweak] to decide for him. i wish i could just snap my fingers, heal his mom, and make him decide to be in bohol as early as possible. ahpff. but i can't. perhaps, all i can do is to WAIT, or maybe i can just stop hoping, and GIVE-UP.

may 26, 09 | 3:06 AM

congratz! you just got yourself a new girlfriend! don't be jealous! mahal na rin kita!!

nyahaha! caught your attention? haha! the title wasnt really meant for you or anyone. it was just what was in my mind when he fessed up moments ago that he's jealous! i wanna play pranks with what he said. i wanted that line to be my reply! lol. but then i thought, it might spoil the moment. [moment?? yea! naa pud mi moments ui! haha!] he said it to me SERIOUSLY [with downright eye contact jud! haha]. but when i heard his "Nagseselos ako!" line, honestly, i wanna burst out laughing! tagalog man gud! t'was new. corny! [nosebleed] and i really didnt expect that that was his reason why he's not okay. lol. but at the corner of my mind, there was a thought saying, "awww..that's sweet." then i pinched his cheeks, smiled, and justified. moments after, i went back to the dorm and received a message from him saying, "mahal kasi kita kaya ganun." puta! ni-bukad akong atay brad! ROFL.

ughh! he's been filling up the missing pieces of my life jud! no jam! i mean, the stuff that i'v been longing to feel or hear from my fuckin' ex but i never did, i heard and felt it from MR. LEVEL TWO [what's with the name? ask his dormmates!hahaha]. and he's not even my boyfriend! diba? diba? diba? LOL. And everytime he's not around, i'm "craving" for his presence! why? 'coz IM ONLY ME WHEN IM WITH HIM. fine, it's a song! but i mean it, dude. i'm not afraid to reveal who i really am. i really dont know what's with him that im confident to show off my flaws. just like what the song conveys, "I don't try to hide my tears, the secrets or my deepest fears. Through it all nobody gets me like you do... im only me when im with you."

what is really with you??!! yer not that eye-catching hearthrob! neither a limb in the prodigy realm! you're (somehow) striking, though [in one way or another. hehe!]. and, ehem!..TDH-- tall, dark, and.... a hip Tribal user. hahaha! ay ambut! basta! that's it! i wont add more 'coz you might read this, and mu-bukad imong ilong!

nyahahaha!! yaddahh..yaddaahh..yaddaaahhh..!

[originally written last May 14, 09] :)

mister A

"you mean a lot to me."

that's not a boyfriend-only line. i'm screeching those words not fora boyfriend, but for a crush. an ultimate one, i suppose. it's for the cute, smarty guy [but not mr. smarty pants] with the grey and black backpack back in fourth year high school.

he has this math and physics brilliance without the clever clogs. a mysterious, sober gent with a hidden sense of humor. he does have looks [in my eyes], yet stays down-to-earth and no-nonsense.

we had the sweetest friendship juice that turned out to be "magka-M.U". haha! but things changed when we had a conflict [i'd prefer to keep the roots of it]. for quite a few months, t'was like there had been a wall built between us. good thing thewall wasnt that sturdy and collided. distance brought our friendship back. hewas flipping the beginning pages of his college life in our place while i wasin another locality, yet we never vanished our contact.

just a few days ago, we had a chance to convene. it has been a year that i wasntable to catch a glimpse of him. seeing him again made me evoke the closeness that we planted that almost grew to be something more of it. looking in his eyes,scenting his smell, and talking to him made me feel the thrill travelling through my veins.

i'm not sure and i still can't elucidate what this feeling really is. what im only sure of is that he's special, and im gonna say it again,

"you mean a lot to me, 'A'."

seven.

october seven

RYLE's birthday. i had a great day with my friends. from school, we went toPortal West and fooled around the internet cafe, then we had dinner at CityBurger, then had shots at Garahe. ALL EXPENSES PAID BY THE BIRTHDAY BOY.how great is that? haha. but that terrific day was not just like any othergroovy days that i had with my friends. that day became a momentous one. how?well, to shorten the lengthy story, let's just put it this way..t'was the day when my guy and i officially got committed. actually, i officiallycalled him "mine" when i was soooo drunk! yeah, i disbursed four bottles ofRed Horse Beer when we were in Garahe and deo went there to pick me up. goodthing i still remembered the "you're-mine-im-yours drama" the following day.haha! it was a vast!


november seven

JUDY's birthday. first monthsary. i was caught between my friends and my boyfriend.t'was my great "ONI" [korean for ate/bigsis] and ex korean dormate's birthday,and at the same time, our first ever monthsary. he got a little upset, though.coz i had dinner with my friends and not with him. but hey, we had lunch together!nevertheless, i know dinner's more apt when it comes to stuff like "monthsaries".at least i still ended the day with him, walking in the rain. he was kinda not on the mood,though. indeed, not an earth-shattering day for a couple like us.


december seven

pacquiao's big fight. second monthsary. broken plans. first plan: watch pacquiao'sbig fight TOGETHER. but he ended up watching alone in their dorm and i was only in ourdorm alone since he wasnt able to wake up early. second plan: have lunch TOGETHER. buti ended up eating DORM FOOD with my dormmates since he certainly dont wanna missthe fight. good thing the fight was not that exciting and we ended up going to church andate dinner TOGETHER. and we had "sweet nothings" for hours! though the supposed to be"OUR" day didnt start right, at least it ended remarkable and both of us, ECSTATIC!


seven. seven. seven. every seventh day of the month seems to have a clash with ourfete. but i must say, that makes the tricky, exigent part. though we hadnt made any ofOUR DAY special yet, i still dont wanna give somebody the slip. gosh! i'm in love! [*wink*] =p

how i got my ACE

*i will never fall in love again in this diminutive place.*


--that was my dictum, let say 4-5 months ago, after being in a crucial situationwhere i almost ruined a relationship and I, in a "he-broke-my-heart-into-pieces"fuss.

t'wasnt that long until i met "karl" who kept on boggling me to have my numberbecause of his friend whom he said has a crush on me. then i deliberately gave it.


then i met the "ACES". and candidly speaking, they kinda reformed my clear-cutlife.

roughly 3 months ago, we got intimate with one of the aces ('m not referring to karl's friend in the upperhead,but another ace).


who is he?


i say, he doesnt exist in the prodigy realm, and he's not even the heartthrob kind of gent.he just have lil looks and a bit ghastly yet rational 'tude, yet i seem to be chopped down in his tangible presence!


few weeks after, we've been hanging out together, and then he courted me. that moment, i was sure i didnt love him. but he was friggin' mild to me and totally diverting to be with!

crap. my dictum just cracked. shattered. i just fell. directly to the graveyard.


initially, i really, really HATE it. falling too fast, too deep-- its my sickness. fatal, incurable.

and I JUST CAN'T STOP IT!!

but then, i gave in. i went to the flow. i admitted my defeat, and accepted it. i stopped trying to stop what i felt.


until we now have a not-so-doomed ENCHANTED tale. =)

we WERE close.

I MISS YOU. i wish you could hear my heart screeching those words everytime we convene.

yes, irrefutably. i dunno what went through my veins. why am i missing you so badly?now that i already have my knight and we're rigid?


i know what happened between us (beyond our friendship) were all just a game. a stupid, obtuse pastime.but that isnt what i miss. ITS OUR CLOSENESS.


the unending teases, the sharing of our likes and dislikes which we constantly have in common,your "asa ka ron?" messages, the PUKAWanay modes, the singing of songs which we revised and made it silly,the cheats, the whispering during religion class, the sharing of notes, editing pictures on my laptop,your urging mode when it comes to your cousin, the life story telling, our mutual plans in life,the drinking of fresh milk before going to sleep, your calls, the hugs, the walking in the rain,the hatid-sundo genre, the i-got-pissed-off-because-of-this-and-that, the secrets, the revelations,the jealous glow, the comforting modes, the le travellers cafe standbys, the billiard games, the videoke,the struggle for math 11, the stares of the people whenever we're together, your tick offs everytime i drink,the laughter, the tears, blah..blah..blah..


looking back on those points, it gives me a reason to hate myself for riding in with the game.we had the sweetest friendship juice, but we took a risk. a hazardous risk, and ended up a prejudiced game.


i admit, our intimacy gave color to my life here in this pristine place. im not expecting nor hoping to have ourcloseness back in a snap. but i just yearn for our friendship to be back.


those days are truly unforgettable. YOU are remarkable.